ian glazer's tuesdaynight

I haven’t read all of Judge Jackson’s finding of fact. From what I have heard, it reads a bit like the Adam West-era Batman shows…

• “At the same time that Microsoft was trying to convince Netscape to stop developing cross-platform APIs, it was trying to convince Intel to halt the development of software that presented developers with a set of operating-system-independent interfaces.” KERPOW!!!!
• “If OEMs removed the most visible means of invoking Internet Explorer, and pre-installed Navigator with facile methods of access, Microsoft’s purpose in forcing OEMs to take Internet Explorer capturing browser usage share from Netscape would be subverted.” BANG!!!!
• “Not only did Microsoft prevent Navigator from undermining the applications barrier to entry, it inflicted considerable harm on Netscape’s business in the process.” POW!!!

How different a world would we live in if anti-trust law extended to non-corporate issues? For example, how ‘bout suing Hallmark for leveraging their monopoly of the greet card industry and forcing their cheer and mild humor upon us all?

What exactly is back bacon? Me and my tribe are not exactly well versed in the ways of pork products. Suzy, at Toledo, spouted went out on this back bacon / ham rant a while ago and I just haven’t had time to relay it to you. I’m back. Two weeks on the road is a damned long time. It proved to me that I was not meant to be a consultant flying from town to town like some sort of technological Johnny Appleseed. San Francisco gets hot in October… who knew. Orlando is always hot and muggy. Why exactly do people live in a malaria infested swap like Florida? While in Orlando, I went to Universal Studio’s Halloween thing one night. The best thing about theme parks is the amazing amount of white trash you see. I mean, wow! Sociologists need to spend more time at these places. How many of you like Puddin’ Pops? I certainly do. Apparently, they don’t make Puddin’ Pops any more. Just thought you might want to know.

Last week, I had a really cool conversation with Pierre, owner and head chef at La Forchette. He came to this country and ended up cooking for Katherine Graham, owner of the Post. One of the folks he cooked for while at Ms. Graham’s was Warren Buffet. Apparently he eats, “Lamp chops, hamburgers, and peanuts.” He cooked for her for a while and then in 1978 he bought the restaurant for $20,000. Back then Adam’s Morgan hadn’t really rebuilt since the riots of 1968. He ended up cooking for President Clinton at Graham’s Martha’s Vineyard condo.

No, this doesn’t have anything to do with Ian an my calls to the Vice squad when there are Johns in our alley…it’s all about Hawaii. Here’s the deal; Ian’s on his way, as we speak, to Oracle’s little extravaganza in Hawaii, with stops in LA and San Francisco. I’m not the least bit bitter about this, and you shouldn’t be either. Here’s why. For starters, it’s been warmer here than there…and less rainy. Secondly, I’ll have a parking space while he’s gone. Thirdly, who wants to spend that much time on planes? Fourthly (I know it’s not a word…humor me), he’ll miss the first ever Tuesday night at Toledo Hula party. OK, there is no Hula party, but come to Toledo anyway. I’ll buy drinks for whoever does the best immitation of Jack Lord.

Yes, it’s me. I’m in DC long enough to write a Tuesday Night. I’ve been busy… honest. I was on Jury Duty. Let me tell you, there is no better place to people watch than DC’s Jury Pool. I had a judge who would always stress the word law whenever he spoke. “Your job is the matter of fact, and when it comes to the LAW, that’s my business.” And he would shout law like a deranged loony. Things I have noticed about jury duty: * Judges do not find out funny when a jury member stands up and scream in their best Rob Schneider a la Sly Stalone a la Judge Dredd voice, “I am the law!” This is probably because the judge is the LAW and not the jury. * The Husher is a device used by judges to prevent the audience and jury from hearing bench conferences. The Husher is a white noise generator that sounds a lot like Channel 56 in Boston after 2 in the morning. I asked to change the channel, but since the judge’s job was the LAW and not entertainment, he did not. * Pants are optional if you are a judge. Which brings me to ERP. For those of you at the party, you saw my friend Ken bring his Evil Rum Punch. Ken was banned from making his ERP when a guest at one of his parties had a hallucinogenic experience. Needless to say two cups of ERP and I was done… not that that stopped me. A big thank you to all who came to the party.

So Ian’s out of town again, which puts me back in charge of this little missive. This weekend I ended up in, of all places, Woodstock, which resulted in several observations. 1) Woodstock is not what it once was…or at least it’s not what I understand it to have been. For starters, there should be no food court. 2) Kids these days (wow do I sound old) are really angry. Hence, Limp Bizkit and Korn were huge, as was Rage Against the Machine…I just don’t understand what a bunch of kids who paid $150 for a ticket, andother couple hundred bones for a prime camping location, and then drove up there in their SUV’s to pay $7 for a burger can be so angry about. 3) A lot of these kids have no problem walking around naked…but to show their freedom like at the original…just becaust they thought it might be cool. 4) When almost a quater million people are drunk, stoned, and burning stuuff, it’s time to go home. 4a.) Unless you;re the Red Hot CHili Peppers, in which case you start to play “Let Me Stand Next to Your Fire” 4b) If you;re the bass player for said Red Hot CHili Peppers, it’s OK to do your entire set naked, because your bass covers most of the crucial elements. 5) There probably shouldn’t be another one of these. 6) The guy that plays Mini-Me (some people laugh, others need an explanation) is really, really, really little.

Things you never want to hear from your airplane pilot… “Folks, we don’t have enough gas to circle for the next 40 minutes, like ground control at Dulles wants us to. So, we are going to land at Richmond and wait until we are cleared there.” Why couldn’t we land at National, I thought to myself… ‘cuz that makes too much sense. An insightful comment: “No wonder why people worshipped a Jewish carpenter.” - Josh upon our 25th unsuccessful attempt at hanging a picture frame. How were people’s weekends? I was in Atlanta, and the last few times I have been in Atlanta there have been disasters. One time a Cessna tried to land in the middle of the major highway. This time there were tornados. Simply, I shouldn’t travel.

No real reason for the subject line… At any rate, welcome to another installment of my insanity. Since turn-out has been low lately… though credit to Fitz for thinking about coming out… I am going to fill this email with vaguely related info. Josh has completely moved out of his old apartment with the help of many friends and late night packing runs. The interesting thing, I am told, about moving at 3 in the morning is that you always get the elevators when you need them. With Josh’s help, I crashed the National Press Core Dinner on Saturday… saw some interesting people (gratuitous name dropping to follow): * Collin Powell - who seems to be everywhere I go * Val Kilmer - with dorky hair * Ron Silver - who at one point was heard saying, “I’m sorry General Powell, I don’t speak yiddish that well.” * Henry Kissenger - who plays a mean game of 3 man * Rev. M.C. Hammer - Stop! Hammer time. * Gov. William Weld - He’s taller than I thought * Sec. of State Albright - She’s as short as I thought * Barbara Walters - What hair. * Sam Donaldson - who was ranting incessantly to some other reporter * Wolf Blitzer - There wolf. * Peter Jennings - who served Jeff a drink from behind the ABC bar. * A radiologist named Zellis

I moved this weekend… Editorial Note: Moving sucks. Here’s why… that nice solid coffee table that you like so much, well guess what, it ways 2500 pounds, is cumbersome, and cannot fit in your new apartment. Another example, that freight elevator in your apartment is always in use and slower than walking. Moving does have some advantages. People bring you beer… beer good. … well at least the move is over. Stats from the move: * Most stylish mover: Viv, for her appearance in heels and with pet * Best use of the dolly: Kate wheeling around Heather * Best driver: Josh, a real trucker * Best moving company: Yoko Ono Movers Inc… just ask us for a reference * Best almost gift: the Wandering Jew plant * Universal way to carry things: Like a table… except for tables, which need to be rolled like a spool. Back to your regularly scheduled madness…

Quick, without looking at your feet, which one of the following is more important: a) bombing an army hell-bent on erradicating a whole people or b) catch two to three beavers hell-bent on erraditcating all of the cherry trees on the Tidal Basin? If you answered c) waiting for Star Wars to come out and figuring out which of your friends is most likely to wait out for tickets, then you answered correctly. The weather is getting warmer… and we all know that warmer weather brings out cherry blossoms which bring out every looney-tune tourist in the world. I am forwarding a great email on tourist rights in DC.