… Pride Weekend in Columbus, OH. I’m serious about this one. Think about. What is typically held up as American: Mom and apple pie. Everyone has a mom, even anarchists (or antichrists). So there’s nothing inherently American about Mom… sorry. As for apple pie, the British do it quite well as, I am sure, other peoples. So what then is American? Pride Weekend in Columbus, OH (where Brian happened to be.) Think about. The right to gather peacably. That one is very American. The freedom from any sort of persecution. That one is American. Happy 4th of Jell-O to you all. I made the mistake of biking by the Mall yesterday… not smart. Every corn fed tourist from here to Sioux City was strolling about: scratching, jiggling, and pointing. I don’t think that DC is the greatest place in the USA to spend the 4th. It’s hot and muggy. There are hundreds of other tourist just like you… ogling at cheap T-shirts. So, Mr. Crabby, where is a good place to spend the 4th? Lake Placid, NY is certainly one. There’s a hill over looking the lake, where you can sit and watch the fireworks. Boston is another. There is nothing better than sitting on the Esplanade, hearing the Pops, and watching the fireworks that were donated by Jessica’s boss. Finally, I think I would like to spend the 4th is a small town in Oklahoma or Nebraska; I think that would be neat. Get some real home cooking, go to the local baseball park and watch some small tasteful fireworks display… that is American. In other news: Brian made it to San Francisco, bringing the count of Tuesday West up. I saw Chicken Run with Viv… go see it, very fun. Don’t see it, however, with Viv, who has been clucking like a chicken for the last few days.

So, I have this key on my key chain, and for the longest time, I had no idea what it went to. To make matters worse, there was another copy on my spare key chain. I stared at the this key, shaking my head, going, “Is it my bike rack? My bike lock? Desk key?” I just had no idea what it was. A big thanks goes to Katie’s friend Lynne who solved the mystery; apparently, the key goes to my Club, which is sitting in my trunk. This little mystery has lead to a game… collect old keys, find random ones. Now, start putting them on friends’ key chains… watch as the puzzlement begins! I’m back from a quick vacation… a very needed one it seems. I have 100 unread emails, most of which, I’m sure, are useless. I was in Tampa at a wedding for someone I haven’t seen in 5 years. Tampa is clearly a city that is just too damned hot for people. 90 degrees with 95% humidity. This is just not right. As for weddings, this one was a great one. Lot’s of pre and post partying. Godda love it when the bride’s mom closes the bar after the wedding party. I think the best part of weddings is the brunch the next day. You get to see who is wearing someone else’s clothes. Who is so green that they just pop in for an appearance then take off… good fun for the whole family. Finally, in this tour of my post-vacation brain, Listerine. I decided to try Listerine. I was amused the guy showing me that there is a veritable ocean of biological goo chillin’ between my teeth. Using Listerine is like putting a swarm of angry bees in your mouth, and I think this is for a reason. The good folks in Listerine-land want their customers to feel like something is really happening, that there is a real medicinal flavor/effect. I mean, if you bought a mouthwash that tasted like distilled water, felt like silk, and really didn’t seem to do anything, you would think, “This just isn’t doing anything.” But Listerine grabs you and screams, “I am doing something.” I’m not sure I like it…

(This is something I started writing a few days ago. I figured I’d clean it up and send it out.) Sitting here, trapped on a late flight, a flight upon which I had a non-existent seat, I have been nibbling on Nicholson Baker’s Size of Thought, a challenging collection of essays. One such essay is a discussion of the discarding of library card catalogues in favor of computerized systems. It is not a happy piece. The author is clearly disappointed by the death of card catalogs, showing evidence that the newer electronic system are no more accurate add certainly not more useful than the older card-based system. This has me thinking. … or maybe the Becks does… How many devices vanish each day? Looking to man-made devices that have met with their end, there are numerous items that, within our lifetime, will become memories relegated to phrases like, “In my day, we used a thing called X.” The manual typewriter. I have used one. Not the really old style a la The Naked Lunch, but a manual typewriter just the same. I truly would never want to mess with a secretary from the 20’s or 30’s; their hand-strength must have been awesome. I guarantee that if your younger cousin has ever even used a typewriter, it was electric, and that this younger cousin has never, ever, used a manual typewriter. But there are some who refuse to use anything but… Harlan Ellison comes to mind. He lives and dies by his manual device; a device that has written scores of books and essays. Vinyl. Vinyl as in LP and EP, 45 and 75. I think my first clear memory of a vinyl is my best friend getting Michael Jackson’s Thriller. (There is a dim memory of getting Disney’s Disco Duck, a disco album built around Donald Duck, but it is a bit of a dim memory.) I have a strong suspicion that our younger cousins would not have a clue about how to use one. It amused me to go to a club downtown and watch the DJs spin their records, while a guy next to them furiously programmed the lights and smoke and the other optical doodads that go into a dance club. The rotary telephone. When was the last time you used one? I remember we had one in our living room. A Bell Slimline. My dad wired a converter so that the old style four-prong system would work in the twisted pair world we were heading into. Granted, my cellphone has about the same audio quality as that rotary phone, but it is certainly not an equal substitute for a rotary phone. A rotary phone involved all the senses. You physically were a major part of the system, jamming your index finger into the dial, and “dialing.” Dialing… a holdover word from the days of rotary. And, of course, you couldn’t dial at the break-neck speeds that we do now. Could you imagine speed dial implemented on a rotary phone; what a cool thing to watch. Here is your homework. Find a device. Something good and meaty. A washboard. A straight-edge razor. A 110 camera. Hunt through your closets. Route through your garages. Find something. Sit quietly with it. Try and remember why you have it. Try to remember who showed you how to use it. Bring those memories up to the light of day, if just for a moment. Now pick up the telephone (doubtfully a rotary one) and call the person who is part of those memories. Now find someone else and impart the (in)significance of this item in your life to them. Perfect strangers are completely acceptable for this role.

It seems that everyone has vanished this week… .. oh wait, I know where they are: SF. I just got mail from Josh saying that he had dinner with Skippy and Serge. Apparently, because of Pebble Beach, there are no hotel rooms from Monterey to Sacramento; so, the ever resourceful Serge found a place to stay at the Snuggle Bunny Inn at Half Moon Bay. I hear the two of them signed in under false names: Bruce and Mikey. Ev is in San Fran too… as is Danelle, I think. File this one under signs of the coming Apocalypse: Josh is moving in with Todd. This makes Tuesday West inevitable. In other news, Lisa got line of the with, “Lick my head! It tastes like cookies.” Obviously, you can tell what kind of party Dianne’s housewarming was. So I have been a DJ for the last few days. My boss’ boss need tunes for these two day meeting we are in; I got volunteered. It is refreshing to crank up “Rock you like a Hurricane” at a company dinner; so much better than hearing a) muzak or b) endless inoffensive music. Go thing I didn’t put Eminem on the old cd. I am off to Austin, TX this afternoon… I have to bail out a fellow employee who is to dumb to fish. I’ll be back… oh wait, I’m not sure when.

I saw/heard three things this weekend that made me realize that the real world is far funnier than anything we can make up, funnier than anything in my head, and in fact, funnier than people realize. Item #1: Every so often my apartment building get bombarded with leaflets for this or that take-out place. This weekend we got flyers from… are you ready… it’s a Chinese place called… “New Big Wong!” I kid you not. New Big Wong?! I mean, come on… ordering something from New Big Wong in my neighborhood involves a transvestite hooker… Item #2: Skippy threw a party for an ex-roommate of his who is getting married… a very nice gesture. Well, the party was winding down, and after a hearty bottle fight with his brother (ask him about it), the gang decided to head into DC for some beers. The question is how to get there… the answer hijack/charter a tourist bus that happens to be parked in front of your house. The cost for such a luxurious cab?… $30. Item #3: (This one might not be that funny… but at the time, I was tired and I thought it was funny.) There’s a new product on the market. Our friends at Liquid Plumber have done it again. This new fabulous product is called “Liquid Plumber Foaming Pipe Snake!” AAAHHHH! How can something like this not be censored?! I supposed the only way this could be made more crude is if it was named (in honor of ZZ TOP) Foaming Tube Snake. So, someone pointed out to me that there are a ton of new people on the List. In fact, on newbie said, “I didn’t know there was somewhere to go on Tuesday; that there was just a list of your rants.” OOOPS! Just so everyone is clear… there is somewhere to go… Toledo Lounge in Adams Morgan around 9:30 on Tuesdays. PS Please, do not bring your New Big Wong or your Foaming Pipe Snake or even your charter bus.

Well, here I am in San Francisco…over three thousand miles and just over a week after I left, and I’ve covered the entire country. Got to see some old friends, some family, and a whole lot of prairie. It’s a big country with some really big states…especially South Dakota and Wyoming, which seemed to go on forever. I’d love to give a full description of the trip, but I’m frankly too beat to do it right now. Maybe later. For now, you can still reach me on my cell phone at the DC number. More info on a SF number when I get semi settled (looks like Friday). The trip by the numbers: Miles: 3,325 Days: 8 Average Miles/Day: 403.125 “States”: 13 (DC, Maryland, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada, California) State Capitals: 3 (Columbus, Salt Lake City and Sacramento) Tanks of Gas: 10 Cheapest Gas: Chevron, West Valley City, Utah $1.409 Most Expensive: Texaco, Winnemucca, WY $1.759 Most Boring State: Wyoming, except for the hail storm Most Interesting: South Dakota (really! There’s some neat stuff there!) Cheapest Hotel: $39 Circus Circus, Reno, NV Well, that’s about it for now. I’m a west coaster…seems kinda weird. Anyway, I’ll be in touch soon!

Well the Season of Change is upon us still. Todd is driving across country tomorrow with his dog and his mom… a real American odyssey. This, of course, means that he will have hours upon hours of time on the cell phone harassing, hunting, and dialing. Cheryl is leaving for France tomorrow or the next day. She is moving there with her husband and is quite excited. Susie is leaving Toledo!… well, actually, she’s just not working on Tuesday nights any more! Okay, calm down, this isn’t as bad as it seems. She wants to spend more time with the boyfriend… which is completely acceptable. She is not leaving us empty handed though, replacing Susie is… not me… not Meatpak Chopra… nor Spendolittle… but her brother Dave! And who said that Tuesday Night isn’t a family affair. So I was at a wedding this weekend, a friend of mine from Penn. Weddings crack me up. They bring out parts of people that should probably remain hidden. Case is point, the bride (my friend) is about to through her bouquet… some of us Penn folk where betting that one of the bride’s maids was going to get it. Said bride’s maid threw a few elbows but came up victorious. Weddings are hell! Josh watch: Last I talked to him, Josh was headed into Salt Lake City to meet up with future Congressman Donald Dunn. If any of you are voters in Utah, I ask you to vote for Donald when the time comes… I mean, come on, how many Jewish Congressmen from Utah have there ever been? Josh did stop at a cheese factory in Wisconsin and can verify that cheese curds do squeak when you eat them… and you thought there was no culture in the upper Midwest.

Well, Josh has left the building. Bound for Columbus… then Chicago, then points west. I don’t know about you, but I am beat… just dead tired. Now granted, since around last Thursday I have been up to 3-ish or so every night. Susie has done her best to dent my liver. So my sister graduate GW this weekend. Nothing like have the whole family (plus grandparents) in town… always fun to watch a variety of interactions. Somehow my family finds ways to stress even in celebration. The Tuesday Night list needs to be introduced to Scott’s little brother, Spendolittle. Spendolittle is a superconcentrated version of Scott. He has all the basic attributes to make him a Spendolini: sarcastic wit, titanium liver, and montrous sense of humor. The most important part of Spendolittle is his ability to turn evil (especially in bars) quickly and without warning… this makes for way too much fun. Jeez, I’m beat… see you tomorrow

I have figured out what is going on… I have figured out what this season is. As you remember, we had the Bad Season, which lasted from around the middle of last summer through the fall. And then we had a paused, as if the world was waiting to see what was coming. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new season. Welcome to the Season of Change. Why is this the Season of Change? First, look at the people heading out of town. Todd and Josh are both heading to San Francisco, both with new jobs. More people are looking to move, thinking that this is the time to make a change. Second, people are leaving Oracle… in droves. People are looking for change in their jobs, their lives. John is a prime example of this. Time for a change. So what does this mean for you? Dunno… but if there are changes in your future, they’ll find you. I was throwing darts with a few of the Tuesday Night members… and we met a strange strange person… Flaccido Domingo. He’s from Italy, speaks broken English, and can’t throw darts for shit. But he did babble on about the Italian porn industry… I dunno, we just ignored him after a while. I have a problem, friends. Tomorrow is Josh’s last Tuesday Night here in DC. (I expect with both Todd and Josh heading west that we will see a Tuesday Night West) I, however, am going to be in Austin. I need you, all of you, to come on by tomorrow and see Josh off.

I sat at Sequoia, watched the plastic people go by; it’s great sport. You know, if you’ve had that much plastic surgery, you must be worried that an open flame could cause irreparable damage. One cigarette lighter and it’s back to the doctor to repair that drooping nose. You’ve got $10,000… what do you do with it? Do you choose to a) augment your breasts with a Silly-Puddy-like substance that give your breasts the ability to defy gravity and cause a warp in the time-space fabric, b) remove a bit of your nose, replace it with a smaller bit that gets great FM signal, or c) have your eyebrows plucked off and then removed with a genetic derivative of a fuzzy caterpillar? I think I would choose the caterprillar eyebrows… just imagine the party tricks you could do. Speaking of parties… we had a heck of a party on Saturday. There was dancing on the coffee table, a pizza delivery guy, one burned out stereo receiver, and lots of booze. Kudos to Todd for bring along Tim and company… there’s no way to spice up a party like total strangers! The latest on Josh: He has two more Tuesday’s left in DC…. come to Toledo tomorrow and help him in his final days of need.